[Do you say two-thousand-&-ten or twenty-ten? I say twenty-ten because I used to say nineteen-eighty, etc., but I think I'm in the minority. If you vote strongly for either one, drop me a note at roz@coachroz.com and tell me your rationale. I'm open, either way.]

Why am I late in sending this New Year’s greeting? No excuse. Just lazing through the holidays and waiting for inspiration. It came this week in the form of an obituary about a woman I never heard of  but would like to hold as a role model for living life out loud. I’m changing only her name.

“On January 4, 2010, at the age of 65, (Dottie Jackson Morrow) passed away. One who did not know Dottie might say she was laid to rest, but such a person would be wrong. Dottie did not rest in her earthly life, and there is no reason to believe that she has started now. … Rarely was Dottie not in the presence of friends, all of whom she considered family. She would meet random people in unlikely places, and she would nurture relationships that would last. If she liked you, she loved you, and she treated all her friends as best friends. … Dottie embraced life with a passion unattainable by most, and she did more living in her 65 years than most could do in 100.”

There was also a sentence about how she met and married her soul mate, but that’s not essential for living with gusto — it’s just a gorgeous added-value.

I was particularly intrigued that she would “meet people in unlikely places” and nurture relationships that would last. That is a delightful adventure, and it was very affirming to have it validated. At one of my birthday parties, friend David said, “Roz was with Robert at a concert, and she leaned over at intermission and said, ‘What’s a good-looking guy like you doing here alone?’ — and that’s how she picked me up. Is there anybody else here that Roz picked up?” And lots of hands went up. I was both embarrassed and tickled. I hadn’t realized how often I do that, just strike up a conversation with a stranger who can become a friend.

Think about it. How else, really, do we make friends? I mean, they are all strangers when we first meet, so unless a mutual friend introduces us, it’s kind of up to us to start the connection. What’s to lose? They weren’t our friend before we met, and worse-case scenario, they won’t be afterward. Of course, I’m assuming safe environment and prudent behavior.

Here’s what “Dottie’s” obit reminded me of. Decades ago, when I was in corporate America instead of a counseling practice, I would become close friends with another employee. We might lunch together a couple of times a week, maybe see a movie, certainly support each other when we were sure we could run the company better than its leaders. (Lord, I was SO young.) When one of us moved on, we swore we’d continue to see each other often, but we didn’t. And now I can’t even remember their names.

For years I’ve considered that a natural occurrence, that the trajectories of our lives just parted — but maybe if I’d nurtured those friendships the way Dottie did, I’d be richer in friendships than I am.

So in addition to the ritual I’m-gonna-lose-20-pounds resolution, this year I intend to stay better in touch with friends I seldom see but dearly treasure. I thank “Dottie” for reminding me, even from beyond her life, how sweet such relationships are.

Meantime, I can revel in the memory that I introduced David to one of my best girlfriends, and they’ve just celebrated their 26th anniversary. I’m so glad I picked him up, and I intend never to set him down. Now I want to get crackin’ on emailing or calling some others I’ve neglected. They are just to precious to let fade away.

Hoping you feel the same … Cheers!

Roz

Have you had conversations about using Viagra, Lavitra, and Cialis? If you choose to try them, do so playfully and make sure you consult your family physicians first.

Stress isn’t what happens to you. Stress is how you respond or react to the loads you’re toting, and that is largely dependent on your thoughts and self-talk. A huge suspension bridge stands for decades, while millions of cars,
pickups, boat trailers, RVs, even tanks rumble across its strong back. Then an earthquake hits, stress cracks appear in the superstructure of the bridge, and it twists wildly and even collapses in places.

The vehicles weren’t the stress. They were just stressors which the bridge finally couldn’t handle, along with the earthquake that was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

You tote a lot of stressors, too. How can you keep your superstructure sound, so that even unexpected forces don’t bring you down?

The first and most obvious answer is, lighten your load. I want to give you my favorite perception-altering stress-busting tip.

THE BIG DEAL SCALE

Think of a scale from 1 to 10. And a 10 is Nuclear Holocaust.  What, then, is a 1? Nothing, because you wouldn’t ask yourself  “How big a deal is this, anyway?” if it were a 1. It wouldn’t move the needle.

There are a few other 10’s, of course, such as the death of a loved one. But most things we let stress us out are really 3s that’s we turn into heavyweight 8s by our perception.  If the driver ahead of me dawdles and causes me to miss the green light.  So What? So I’ll be a minute and a half later arriving at my destination than I’d calculated. So What? But maybe I’ll miss my flight and have to take a later one. So What?

I have watched CEOs, highly successful entrepreneurs, women business owners, working mothers, professionals of all kinds reduce their stress by a good 40% by just employing the Big Deal Scale.

Stressbusting Part Two: Slow The Ball Down

I’d hoped by now to have learned who said it, but I haven’t. Maybe you know and can tell me.  Anyway, some 1904s-era batting whiz was asked by a reporter, “How is it that you have such a high batting average?”

And the baseball player answered, “I slow the ball down.”

“No, really, your fans would love to know. How do you do it?”

“I slow the ball down.”  And his teammate catcher said, “It’s true. I’ve seen it.  He slows the ball down.”  I’ve thought a lot about it since I first heard the story, how one man’s intense focus can so get him in The Zone that his teammate catches and shares the hallucination.

I can picture it. The pitcher nods, winds himself up, and rockets the ball toward the batter, who slows the ball down by creating a tunnel of perception that contains only the ball and himself. He has a sense of all the time in the world to swing into the exact space where the ball will be, and then crack! send it right out of the park.

Try it. By breathing slowly and deeply, releasing muscle tension and anxiety about outcome, you can move almost in slow motion, gracefully connecting with whatever you have in front of you. You can release your Hurry-Up, that demon of our runaway times, and move or think with ease and graceful elegance. You will respond thoughtfully, rather than react. You will be at choice about where you meet the ball and what direction you want it to go.

As a practice exercise, try talking more s-l-o-w-l-y than you usually do. Notice how happy your mind is to be included, instead of having your mouth blurt out something your thoughtful mind would not have said, or would have said better.

Remember your Pause Button, and use it to  Slow. The. Ball. Down.

And maybe a perfect exercise would be to start with your lovemaking. When you pay that kind of attention to your lover’s body and your own sensations, performance anxiety hasn’t got a chance.

When I began my practice as a sex therapist in the late 70s, the S-word was just coming into vogue. I still remember the first time the Reader’s Digest had the word SEX on its cover. Woooooo! Big deal. (Compare that with Cosmo, Redbook, even the Reader’s Digest today!)

I have seen the whole arc, from “we don’t talk about it” to “every woman can.” Problem is, that got translated to “every woman MUST.”

Thus I saw Good Ol’ Boys bring their wives in for therapy because The Little Woman didn’t have orgasms through sex. “But Clyde,” the wife would say, “I LOVE sex with you. I just don’t always come through intercourse. But I’m happy with our sex life.” And the Good Ol’ Boy would say, “Well, I’ve never had any complaints before!” “But Clyde, I’m not complaining, YOU are.” A-ha. It was an ego thing with Clyde, but it became a performance anxiety for her. (If she stayed in therapy with me, she quickly learned that there was nothing wrong with her–the majority of women don’t regularly have orgasms through intercourse!)

Then there were the women who presented themselves for “therapy” because they’d read an article on multiple orgasms and felt they were deficient because they didn’t experience a Chinese firecrackers bam-bam-bam-bam string of orgasms.

What an irony. Women were experiencing the same kind of performance anxiety that men often had, thanks to locker-room lies and expectations. (The late great sex therapist Bernie Zilbergeld wrote a book about the mythology that gets laid on men. My favorite chapter title was “Two Feet Long, Hard As Steel, Goes All Night.”)

Ridiculous, right?

Of course. My message to you is, Don’t fall into that same trap! It’s not a contest. There’s not just one right way to enjoy your sensuality.

Some female orgasms bring strong, rhythmic contraction. Some are like little waves of pleasure. You might have different orgasms at different times. Sometimes you might get close but not get over, and that’s OK.

We all get distracted sometimes, or fatigued, or have fluctuating hormones. Please don’t let your inner critic start scoring you: –On a scale-of-1-10, how well did you do tonight?–

The great philosophers and theologians have told us to enjoy the trip, not be fixated on the destination. Come to think about it (no pun intended), that’s good advice not just about sexuality, but about all of life.

Your O-quotient is not up for being graded. It’s your own personal style. Play with it, try new things, but above all, enjoy it.

Warm regards from Roz

Unless otherwise attributed, all material is written and edited by Roz Van Meter, MA. All rights reserved. You may reprint any of this material if you include the above copyright notice and a link to http://SexualityCoach.com in the credits. Also please send a copy of the publication, along with a note referencing the reprint, to roz@coachroz.com. Thanks!

Recently I was invited to talk on a radio show about Hot Sex. I replied that I would rather talk about No-Fault Sex! Hot is greatly overhyped and overrated. Many of us aren’t interested in hot sex three times a week, which can become like a pop quiz we have to excel at. We’d prefer playful, tender, comfy, and always intimate lovemaking — plus hot from time to time, of course, but not as a goal.

In fact, I am anti-goal-oriented in many aspects of life, but particularly around sex. Orgasm is not the point, it’s just the climax. The desire should be for pleasure, connection, intimacy, a meeting of minds/bodies/spirits, or maybe just a darling afternoon romp, topped off with the climax but not point-focused on “achieving” it. We folks in western cultures get too fixated on Outcome to the detriment of Process. We don’t pay loving attention to the journey, we often just ride hell-for-leather toward the destination. And what wonderful stuff we ignore along the way.

I’m speaking here of couples who are past the randy, obsessive, wild-ass infatuation stage, which can’t last forever and would become a bore or a burden if it did.

No-Fault Sex isn’t a contest, doesn’t give grades or make anybody feel inadequate. It’s sex that allows for times when energy’s a bit low. Sex that includes, “Honey, you know what I’d really like tonight?” or “Baby, do that a little slower. Ohh, yeah, that’s perfect.” … instead of “Not so fast and rough, damn it!”

We get graded all our lives, from parents and teachers and coaches and bosses. We don’t actually have to receive a C-minus to get the message that we weren’t good enough. Let’s abolish that attitude in the bedroom! Let’s make simple requests, give loving feedback, and not compare each other with some fantasy bed-rattling sex scene we saw in a movie. That is so not real.

So go ahead. Try it! Try starting out with the assumption that you and your partner are perfect just as you are, you’d just like to honestly share what you really want and expand your options in bed. Make requests without implying blame. Have some joyous, satisfying no-fault sex tonight. Get all the way into your sensuality. Enjoy the journey and your deeper connection. No competition with actors, no need to ring the bell at the carnival to prove how strong you are — just close, intimate lovemaking.

Unless otherwise attributed, all material is written and edited by Roz Van Meter, MA. All rights reserved. You may reprint any of this material if you include the above copyright notice and a link to http://SexualityCoach.com in the credits. Also please send a copy of the publication, along with a note referencing the reprint, to roz@coachroz.com. Thanks!

My husband and I are totally opposite personalities (no surprise there). He’s an introvert, and I’m an off-the-scale extrovert. When we go out to dinner together, he hates that I “dominate” the conversation, but if I pull back, he doesn’t come forward. I feel judged by him socially all the time. Even tho’ I have many close friends, he has none but me. How can we work out our conversational conflicts? It’s painful for both of us. “Julie” from Wash DC

===> Let’s see if I understand this. He has no friends, expects you to be his entire social world. Says you dominate, but won’t initiate conversation himself? Sounds to me like a Heads-I-Win-Tails-You-Lose deal.

To give him the benefit of the doubt for a moment (reluctantly), I suggest you ask him open-ended questions like, “Tell me what’s going on at work with the (xxx) project,” and then DON’T SPEAK. Let him answer. Don’t offer observations or swell ideas. Just listen with your whole body, give affirming mmm-hmmmms where needed, and let HIM have the mic.

However, if he answers, “Nothing,” and keeps on eating, you may be married to a dependent, passive-aggressive guy who resents your ease with people and is expert at yanking your chain. In which case, guess what!

You-all need marriage counseling right quick. If he won’t go, you should, to find out how to live your life with joy and a peaceful heart, without thinking you’re supposed to fix him. (A), you can’t; and even if you could, (B) he would sabotage your efforts.

Meantime, you might take a look at the possibility of your own high need for attention and spotlights.

Confidentially, I am like you and used to be married to a guy like him. Now I’m with a man who loves to see me sparkle but also has his own friends and is perfectly capable of accepting the mic when it’s his turn. What a relief! -Roz

Roz,

I’m married, and I heard that just flirting with another man is the same as cheating. I heard that “cyber sex” and other kinds of flirting are just as harmful as sleeping with someone else? Could that be true? I tend to be a flirt by nature, but I would never cheat on my husband. MA (Maryland)

===> Let’s make a distinction between flirting, seductiveness, and cybersex. Flirting is the twinkle and grin you give to someone, in person; it’s just playful and has no intent beyond that grin. Seductiveness is action that announces sexual intent, even enticement. Cybersex is semi-hard-core infidelity in which you give to someone else (who is almost certainly misrepresenting himself, by the way) the kind of attention due a husband or lover.

Flirting is not the same as cheating. A flirtatious nature can be delightful, since mere flirting is innocent. Little girls and babies are world class at it. Personally, I flirt with old people, children, anybody who enjoys a mutual admiration exchange that doesn’t have an unspoken come-on beneath it.

Cyberesex is a betrayal, and often can lead to Internet and porn addiction that has damaged or even destroyed many a relationship. I know, because I see it in my office all the time.

Bottom line? Twinkle and grin, but don’t send out seduction signals, either in person or on the Internet.

I’ve been married for almost 10 years, but lately I’ve been having dreams about other men. They aren’t even sexual dreams, but random men I’ve known in the past keep showing up. Is this an indication that something might be wrong with my marriage? Is it normal to think about other men even if you’re happily married?

===> Is it normal to think about other men? Lord, I HOPE so! Otherwise you put 50% of the human race off limits! Of course, if you start obsessing about them, or obsessing about fear of obsessing, etc., you can drive yourself crazy.

Enjoy your marriage, love your husband, get some entertainment value out of your dreams, and stop worrying.

By the way, dreams are a way we talk to ourselves from our Unconscious while we’re asleep and the brain’s gatekeepers are off duty. One of these days I’ll do a whole column on dreams and how you can incorporate their wisdom into your waking life. Meantime, play with the idea that all the parts of your dream are actually aspects of yourself, creating a little play to enlighten you. Interesting notion, isn’t it?

Television commercials tout lubricants for those of us who suffer from vaginal dryness and make them sound so easy to use and effective. I’ve tried two or three and none seem to work. Any ideas? I don’t want to use hormone replacement therapy.

===> The old standby was KY Jelly, which is tacky, sticky, and yuck. Much better ones are Jo and AstroGlide, both of which approximate the body’s natural lubrication. Technique is important here. Your Honey applies the lubricant to his penis, then s-l-o-w-l-y begins insertion. You get to say, “Stop there a minute” whenever you want to. Gradually your vagina will relax and begin to get into the act, and full insertion will happen. But even then I’d suggest you just soak a little while, not moving, but using your Kegel exercises to give him an internal hug while your tender, shy little vagina gets used to having him. My book Sizzling Sex in 30 Days tells all about it, pages 132-133. Good luck!

I’ve heard that a woman reaches her sexual peak in her 30s and that a man’s sexual peak decreases in his 30s. Is this true? Don (Denver)

===> That’s the conventional wisdom, but it’s not the whole story. “Sexual peak” refers to unbridled desire—to put it bluntly, horniness. Personally, I enjoy the fact that the longer you live, the more sensual you can become. Which would you rather be, a hairtriggered young stud who lasts three minutes or a seasoned lover who knows how to pleasure your lady slowly, savoring every step of the entire experience?