Have you said, or even thought, that sex should be a No Fault Zone?
Roz suggests: No blames, no grades, no sighs of wistful longing, no passive-aggressive feedback. Though no two sexual encounters are exactly alike, they all need to be pressure-free. SEX IS FOR FUN AND LOVE! not for ringing the bell or notching the headboard.
Does your Honey know, and practice, many ways besides intercourse of arousing and satisfying you both?
Roz suggests: Both of you are sexual beings. You have equal rights & roles in the bedroom (or whichever room you prefer), so if intercourse isn’t “doing it” for you, you might say, “Hey, we’re grown-ups. We know lots of ways to have fun besides (insert your favorite name for intercourse here). You’re so good at (whatever kind of sex play you both enjoy).”
Have you asked him about a visit to the Doc?
Roz suggests: If his ED is ongoing, ask him, “Honey, have you and your doctor ruled out any physical reasons?” (Some physical conditions can affect erections: diabetes, neurological issues, narrowing of pelvic veins, etc. So can the side effects of some medications.)
Do you tell yourself scary stories about how he no longer finds you attractive?
Roz suggests: It really is not about you, so don’t guilt yourself. Remember, he’s got a hard enough (so to speak) problem without having to reassure you.
Have you reassured him that you love him with or without an erection — That it’s not just about intercourse?
Roz suggests: Tell him how much pleasure you get just out of the closeness, the lovely horizontal dance with or without an erection, the way being together makes you feel closer, more connected, more loved and loving… tell him all the time, in and out of bed. Be loving in return, in ways that are non-sexual.
Do you masturbate to achieve climax when you run into challenges together?
Roz suggests: Reassure him that you like to pleasure yourself, have done so since you were (XX) years old, and can have a climax that way. It is not at all the same as lovemaking with him, but it satisfies you physically — and he satisfies you emotionally! Masturbation is not a bad thing, nor an insult. If you have trouble talking about it, consider showing him while you’re being intimate and help him help you.
Have you had conversations about using Viagra, Lavitra, and Cialis?
Roz suggests: If you choose to try them, do so playfully — after he has consulted his physician to be sure it’s safe for him.
If the ED problem is ongoing after all these considerations, have the two of you consulted an AASECT-certified sex therapist?
Roz suggests: Look online at http://www.aasect.org/directory_usa.asp to see if there is one in your area. If not, consider using me as your coach. (You’ll find my listing there at http://www.aasect.org/viewlisting.asp?ID=4 )
