IN PRAISE OF NO-FAULT SEX

© Roz Van Meter, 2002, 2009

Recently I was invited to talk on a radio show about Hot Sex. I replied that I would rather talk about No-Fault Sex! Hot is greatly overhyped and overrated. Many of us aren’t interested in hot sex three times a week, which can become like a pop quiz we have to excel at. We’d prefer playful, tender, comfy, and always intimate lovemaking — plus hot from time to time, of course, but not as a goal.

In fact, I am anti-goal-oriented in many aspects of life, but particularly around sex. Orgasm is not the point, it’s just the climax. The desire should be for pleasure, connection, intimacy, a meeting of minds/bodies/spirits, or maybe just a darling afternoon romp, topped off with the climax but not point-focused on “achieving” it. We folks in western cultures get too fixated on Outcome to the detriment of Process. We don’t pay loving attention to the journey, we often just ride hell-for-leather toward the destination. And what wonderful stuff we ignore along the way.

I’m speaking here of couples who are past the randy, obsessive, wild-ass infatuation stage, which can’t last forever and would become a bore or a burden if it did.

No-Fault Sex isn’t a contest, doesn’t give grades or make anybody feel inadequate. It’s sex that allows for times when energy’s a bit low. Sex that includes, “Honey, you know what I’d really like tonight?” or “Baby, do that a little slower. Ohh, yeah, that’s perfect.” … instead of “Not so fast and rough, damn it!”

We get graded all our lives, from parents and teachers and coaches and bosses. We don’t actually have to receive a C-minus to get the message that we weren’t good enough. Let’s abolish that attitude in the bedroom! Let’s make simple requests, give loving feedback, and not compare each other with some fantasy bed-rattling sex scene we saw in a movie. That is so not real.

So go ahead. Try it! Try starting out with the assumption that you and your partner are perfect just as you are, you’d just like to honestly share what you really want and expand your options in bed. Make requests without implying blame. Have some joyous, satisfying no-fault sex tonight. Get all the way into your sensuality. Enjoy the journey and your deeper connection. No competition with actors, no need to ring the bell at the carnival to prove how strong you are — just close, intimate lovemaking.

!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*

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Golden Rule for Successful Relationships

Dear Roz: If you had to give a “Golden Rule” for a successful relationship, what would it be?

===> The 3 A’s: attention, appreciation, affection—plus respect and self-care. That means listening appreciatively to each other (you don’t have to agree, but you can respect your partner’s viewpoint). Also hugging and kissing and fanny-patting and occasional loving (or funny)greeting cards or flowers. Putting down what you’re doing and really focusing on your partner.

The Golden Rule talks about acting toward others the way you want people to act toward you. So be sure you adhere to the Golden Rule for YOURSELF, and treat yourself with the same respect, attention, appreciation, and affection as you do your mate. -Roz

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Whooops! There He Comes Again

Dear Roz:

My husband and I are very sexual, but he ejaculates so quickly! He is very good with my sexual needs, but we both would love it if he could maintain an erection for a longer time. What can we do?

===> Various answers are longer than this column has room for, but there are clear instructions on pages 136-137 of my book, Sizzling Sex In 30 Days. They provide several specific techniques, including variations of the Squeeze Technique (squeezing the head or base of the penis until the urge to ejaculate passes).

If they don’t work, it’s time for sex therapy. I suggest you go to http://AASECT.org to find an AASECT certified sex therapist in your community. And expect to be asked to go together at some point—getting past too-rapid ejaculation is a team effort.

Of course, if there isn’t a certified sex therapist in your area, this is a problem I can help with as your Sexuality Coach. Click on “Coaching with Roz” for more information about that.

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New program for Women!

You don’t have to look like J-Lo to feel sexy! Ultimately, sexy is a belief, an attitude. It comes from deep inside, from confidence, from self-esteem, from self-knowledge.

Age, size, weight, body shape, hair length, tooth whiteness, butt tightness… none of that matters. What matters is your INTENTION.

My new program will help you find it, so you can free yourself to Be Intentionally Sexy, and reap the joyful benefits of feeling your full womanhood, out loud and out proud. (And no, you don’t have to dress like THAT to achieve it.) CLICK HERE to learn more.

Jump-start your intimacy connection with this free re-awakening gift.

Whatever your situation—if something isn’t working or you simply want more—I’ll help you get more light and warmth into your bedroom, deepen your love, and enhance your pleasure and intimacy.

I listen deeply, understand quickly, and connect with my clients. I’ll learn your stories, talk your language, help you fix what’s challenging you, and expand your own gifts, pleasure, and passion.

Whatever it is, let’s talk about it. I can help!

Just click HERE for an email form or call 214.361.0500, leave your name and number. Either way, I’ll call you back to arrange an appointment. It's easy. — Roz

For more than three decades, as a licensed marriage therapist and certified sex therapist in Dallas, Texas, I have helped thousands of people understand, enjoy, and share their sexuality with mutual delight. Now I’m bringing that help to individuals and couples all across the country.

For your sexuality to be expressed in a comfortable, safe, and exciting way, you need to learn what might be getting in the way. I’ll provide real-world help to create the kind of sexual expression you both want. It honors and strengthens your relationship, the most important ingredient for sexual satisfaction.

I believe in cultivating “No-Fault Intimacy!” You can discover reasons for sexual dissatisfaction, disinterest, even dysfunction, without assigning blame.

After we have discovered the Why of an obstacle or challenge, we can create the How that promotes sensual, intimate sex, tailored specifically to your own rhythms and relationship.

UNDER THE BLANKET

Here are some of the reasons you might be seeking a relationship/sexuality coach. See which one(s) you relate to. I have experience in all of them.

ED – erectile dysfunction (getting or maintaining) - ladies, take our ED Quiz for Women and learn how you can assist your man in coping with this
rapid ejaculation
arousal problems
orgasm problems (inorgasmia)
painful intercourse
diminished or lost libido (sexual desire)
frequency issues
communication problems
stress from finances, new baby, work

WHAT NEXT?

The navigation bars will take you to ideas and information I think you’ll enjoy. Take your time, mosey through this website, and give me feedback on what you found helpful or would like to follow up on.

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