Dear Roz,

My husband and I are totally opposite personalities (no surprise there). He’s an introvert, and I’m an off-the-scale extrovert. When we go out to dinner together, he hates that I “dominate” the conversation, but if I pull back, he doesn’t come forward. I feel judged by him socially all the time. Even tho’ I have many close friends, he has none but me. How can we work out our conversational conflicts? It’s painful for both of us. “Julie” from Wash DC

===> Let’s see if I understand this. He has no friends, expects you to be his entire social world. Says you dominate, but won’t initiate conversation himself? Sounds to me like a Heads-I-Win-Tails-You-Lose deal.

To give him the benefit of the doubt for a moment (reluctantly), I suggest you ask him open-ended questions like, “Tell me what’s going on at work with the (xxx) project,” and then DON’T SPEAK. Let him answer. Don’t offer observations or swell ideas. Just listen with your whole body, give affirming mmm-hmmmms where needed, and let HIM have the mic.

However, if he answers, “Nothing,” and keeps on eating, you may be married to a dependent, passive-aggressive guy who resents your ease with people and is expert at yanking your chain. In which case, guess what!

You-all need marriage counseling right quick. If he won’t go, you should, to find out how to live your life with joy and a peaceful heart, without thinking you’re supposed to fix him. (A), you can’t; and even if you could, (B) he would sabotage your efforts.

Meantime, you might take a look at the possibility of your own high need for attention and spotlights.

Confidentially, I am like you and used to be married to a guy like him. Now I’m with a man who loves to see me sparkle but also has his own friends and is perfectly capable of accepting the mic when it’s his turn. What a relief! -Roz