Roz Van Meter, MA, LMFT
Sexuality Coach

Have you said, or even thought, that sex should be a No Fault Zone?

Roz suggests: No blames, no grades, no sighs of wistful longing, no passive-aggressive feedback. Though no two sexual encounters are exactly alike, they all need to be pressure-free. SEX IS FOR FUN AND LOVE! not for ringing the bell or notching the headboard.

Does your Honey know, and practice, many ways besides intercourse of arousing and satisfying you both?

Roz suggests: Both of you are sexual beings. You have equal rights & roles in the bedroom (or whichever room you prefer), so if intercourse isn’t “doing it” for you, you might say, “Hey, we’re grown-ups. We know lots of ways to have fun besides (insert your favorite name for intercourse here). You’re so good at (whatever kind of sex play you both enjoy).”

Have you asked him about a visit to the Doc?

Roz suggests: If his ED is ongoing, ask him, “Honey, have you and your doctor ruled out any physical reasons?” (Some physical conditions can affect erections: diabetes, neurological issues, narrowing of pelvic veins, etc. So can the side effects of some medications.)

Do you tell yourself scary stories about how he no longer finds you attractive?

Roz suggests: It really is not about you, so don’t guilt yourself. Remember, he’s got a hard enough (so to speak) problem without having to reassure you.

Have you reassured him that you love him with or without an erection — That it’s not just about intercourse?

Roz suggests: Tell him how much pleasure you get just out of the closeness, the lovely horizontal dance with or without an erection, the way being together makes you feel closer, more connected, more loved and loving… tell him all the time, in and out of bed. Be loving in return, in ways that are non-sexual.

Do you masturbate to achieve climax when you run into challenges together?

Roz suggests: Reassure him that you like to pleasure yourself, have done so since you were (XX) years old, and can have a climax that way. It is not at all the same as lovemaking with him, but it satisfies you physically — and he satisfies you emotionally! Masturbation is not a bad thing, nor an insult. If you have trouble talking about it, consider showing him while you’re being intimate and help him help you.

Have you had conversations about using Viagra, Lavitra, and Cialis?

Roz suggests: If you choose to try them, do so playfully — after he has consulted his physician to be sure it’s safe for him.

If the ED problem is ongoing after all these considerations, have the two of you consulted an AASECT-certified sex therapist?

Roz suggests: Look online at  http://www.aasect.org/directory_usa.asp to see if there is one in your area. If not, consider using me as your coach. (You’ll find my listing there at   http://www.aasect.org/viewlisting.asp?ID=4 )

© Roz Van Meter, 2002, 2009

Recently I was invited to talk on a radio show about Hot Sex. I replied that I would rather talk about No-Fault Sex! Hot is greatly overhyped and overrated. Many of us aren’t interested in hot sex three times a week, which can become like a pop quiz we have to excel at. We’d prefer playful, tender, comfy, and always intimate lovemaking — plus hot from time to time, of course, but not as a goal.

In fact, I am anti-goal-oriented in many aspects of life, but particularly around sex. Orgasm is not the point, it’s just the climax. The desire should be for pleasure, connection, intimacy, a meeting of minds/bodies/spirits, or maybe just a darling afternoon romp, topped off with the climax but not point-focused on “achieving” it. We folks in western cultures get too fixated on Outcome to the detriment of Process. We don’t pay loving attention to the journey, we often just ride hell-for-leather toward the destination. And what wonderful stuff we ignore along the way.

I’m speaking here of couples who are past the randy, obsessive, wild-ass infatuation stage, which can’t last forever and would become a bore or a burden if it did.

No-Fault Sex isn’t a contest, doesn’t give grades or make anybody feel inadequate. It’s sex that allows for times when energy’s a bit low. Sex that includes, “Honey, you know what I’d really like tonight?” or “Baby, do that a little slower. Ohh, yeah, that’s perfect.” … instead of “Not so fast and rough, damn it!”

We get graded all our lives, from parents and teachers and coaches and bosses. We don’t actually have to receive a C-minus to get the message that we weren’t good enough. Let’s abolish that attitude in the bedroom! Let’s make simple requests, give loving feedback, and not compare each other with some fantasy bed-rattling sex scene we saw in a movie. That is so not real.

So go ahead. Try it! Try starting out with the assumption that you and your partner are perfect just as you are, you’d just like to honestly share what you really want and expand your options in bed. Make requests without implying blame. Have some joyous, satisfying no-fault sex tonight. Get all the way into your sensuality. Enjoy the journey and your deeper connection. No competition with actors, no need to ring the bell at the carnival to prove how strong you are — just close, intimate lovemaking.

Unless otherwise attributed, all material is written and edited by Roz Van Meter, MA. All rights reserved. You may reprint any of this material if you include the above copyright notice and a link to http://SexualityCoach.com in the credits. Also please send a copy of the publication, along with a note referencing the reprint, to roz@coachroz.com. Thanks!