He Won’t Talk!

Dear Roz,

My husband and I are totally opposite personalities (no surprise there). He’s an introvert, and I’m an off-the-scale extrovert. When we go out to dinner together, he hates that I “dominate” the conversation, but if I pull back, he doesn’t come forward. I feel judged by him socially all the time. Even tho’ I have many close friends, he has none but me. How can we work out our conversational conflicts? It’s painful for both of us. “Julie” from Wash DC

===> Let’s see if I understand this. He has no friends, expects you to be his entire social world. Says you dominate, but won’t initiate conversation himself? Sounds to me like a Heads-I-Win-Tails-You-Lose deal.

To give him the benefit of the doubt for a moment (reluctantly), I suggest you ask him open-ended questions like, “Tell me what’s going on at work with the (xxx) project,” and then DON’T SPEAK. Let him answer. Don’t offer observations or swell ideas. Just listen with your whole body, give affirming mmm-hmmmms where needed, and let HIM have the mic.

However, if he answers, “Nothing,” and keeps on eating, you may be married to a dependent, passive-aggressive guy who resents your ease with people and is expert at yanking your chain. In which case, guess what!

You-all need marriage counseling right quick. If he won’t go, you should, to find out how to live your life with joy and a peaceful heart, without thinking you’re supposed to fix him. (A), you can’t; and even if you could, (B) he would sabotage your efforts.

Meantime, you might take a look at the possibility of your own high need for attention and spotlights.

Confidentially, I am like you and used to be married to a guy like him. Now I’m with a man who loves to see me sparkle but also has his own friends and is perfectly capable of accepting the mic when it’s his turn. What a relief! -Roz

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How Often Is Often Enough?

Dear Roz,

I’ve been married for five years, and everything is going great. There’s one thing that worries me: our sex life. I know it’s been asked before, but how many times a week should a married couple have sex? And is it ok if my husband and I do it less than the norm? We really don’t feel the need to do it as much as we did when we were first dating. Should I start to worry?

Thanks, RT (from Miami)

===>: I’m so glad you wrote, because I want to assure you that whatever frequency works for both of you is exactly right. Couples go through many sex drive phases in a lifetime. They begin with hot infatuation and the appeal of newness. Then they cool down a little to a comfortable rhythm of familiarity. They go through times of temporary abstinence—certain times during pregnancy and when the baby is newborn, the time just before a major exam, etc. Then desire flares back up to fire at other times.

The point is, as long as you are having the frequency that fits for both of you, all is well and lovely. I hope you also enjoy lots of holding, kissing, and caressing between go-all-the-way sex dates.

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We’re Like Affectionate Roommates

Dear Roz,

After 18 years, three challenging kids, house in the suburbs, etc., “Ken” and I are still partners; however, I just don’t have any sexual desire, period. I could think of many reasons (real and made up) that justify my low sex desire with him. I think it’s me. My ob/gyn says I’m fine. But I’m not.

Ken is kind, but impatient. At 38, is this the end of my/our sexual life? I don’t think that massages and weekends at a hotel are the answer. We’ve done that. Still no desire. Please help.

===> There can be SO many reasons for loss of sexual desire.

Over-responsibility and too little help. So many obligations that sex becomes just something else on your To-Do list. General fatigue and that burned-out feeling. An unfocused but underlying resentment.

On the other hand, there can also be physical reasons. Did your ob/gyn do a COMPLETE work-up on you, including thyroid, estrogen, and testosterone levels? Did s/he do the blood work that would indicate if you are peri-menopausal?

I’d say, first have all that physical stuff checked out, and talk with your doc about the possibility of a low-dose testosterone cream, the sex-drive hormone for men and women alike.

If that doesn’t help, and rearranging your life to make room for your own needs doesn’t either, it’s time to make an appointment with a counselor. Maybe there are unresolved issues between the two of you or something from your past to clear out. (And you can tell Ken to stop being so impatient.) Good luck! -Roz

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Who’s the Baby

Dear Roz: My husband says I am not as much fun since our baby came. I try to pay attention to him, but it is hard when the baby cries, and he says I am a mother now as if that made me an old hag. What do I do?

===> Read the previous answer!!!

Also remember this: People with new babies are thrust into Mother/Daddy roles, and it takes a while to get back into Lover/Lover roles. Meantime, you both need to find ways and time to show each other that you are still Honeys. That will help him get out of his sibling rivalry mode. When you treat him like a man, it’s harder for him to act like a displaced baby.

Of course, if what’s going on is deeper (go online and look up the Madonna-Prostitute Syndrome), therapy may be in order. -Roz

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Sexuality Coach

Tag Archives: marriage

He Won’t Talk!

How Often Is Often Enough?

We’re Like Affectionate Roommates

Who’s the Baby