© Roz Van Meter, 2002, 2009
When I began my practice as a sex therapist in the late 70s, the S-word was just coming into vogue. I still remember the first time the Reader’s Digest had the word SEX on its cover. Woooooo! Big deal. (Compare that with Cosmo, Redbook, even the Reader’s Digest today!)
I have seen the whole arc, from “we don’t talk about it” to “every woman can.” Problem is, that got translated to “every woman MUST.”
Thus I saw Good Ol’ Boys bring their wives in for therapy because The Little Woman didn’t have orgasms through sex. “But Clyde,” the wife would say, “I LOVE sex with you. I just don’t always come through intercourse. But I’m happy with our sex life.” And the Good Ol’ Boy would say, “Well, I’ve never had any complaints before!” “But Clyde, I’m not complaining, YOU are.” A-ha. It was an ego thing with Clyde, but it became a performance anxiety for her. (If she stayed in therapy with me, she quickly learned that there was nothing wrong with her–the majority of women don’t regularly have orgasms through intercourse!)
Then there were the women who presented themselves for “therapy” because they’d read an article on multiple orgasms and felt they were deficient because they didn’t experience a Chinese firecrackers bam-bam-bam-bam string of orgasms.
What an irony. Women were experiencing the same kind of performance anxiety that men often had, thanks to locker-room lies and expectations. (The late great sex therapist Bernie Zilbergeld wrote a book about the mythology that gets laid on men. My favorite chapter title was “Two Feet Long, Hard As Steel, Goes All Night.”)
Ridiculous, right?
Of course. My message to you is, Don’t fall into that same trap! It’s not a contest. There’s not just one right way to enjoy your sensuality.
Some female orgasms bring strong, rhythmic contraction. Some are like little waves of pleasure. You might have different orgasms at different times. Sometimes you might get close but not get over, and that’s OK.
We all get distracted sometimes, or fatigued, or have fluctuating hormones. Please don’t let your inner critic start scoring you: –On a scale-of-1-10, how well did you do tonight?–
The great philosophers and theologians have told us to enjoy the trip, not be fixated on the destination. Come to think about it (no pun intended), that’s good advice not just about sexuality, but about all of life.
Your O-quotient is not up for being graded. It’s your own personal style. Play with it, try new things, but above all, enjoy it.
Warm regards from Roz
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