Roz Van Meter, MA, LMFT
Sexuality Coach

Have you said, or even thought, that sex should be a No Fault Zone?

Roz suggests: No blames, no grades, no sighs of wistful longing, no passive-aggressive feedback. Though no two sexual encounters are exactly alike, they all need to be pressure-free. SEX IS FOR FUN AND LOVE! not for ringing the bell or notching the headboard.

Does your Honey know, and practice, many ways besides intercourse of arousing and satisfying you both?

Roz suggests: Both of you are sexual beings. You have equal rights & roles in the bedroom (or whichever room you prefer), so if intercourse isn’t “doing it” for you, you might say, “Hey, we’re grown-ups. We know lots of ways to have fun besides (insert your favorite name for intercourse here). You’re so good at (whatever kind of sex play you both enjoy).”

Have you asked him about a visit to the Doc?

Roz suggests: If his ED is ongoing, ask him, “Honey, have you and your doctor ruled out any physical reasons?” (Some physical conditions can affect erections: diabetes, neurological issues, narrowing of pelvic veins, etc. So can the side effects of some medications.)

Do you tell yourself scary stories about how he no longer finds you attractive?

Roz suggests: It really is not about you, so don’t guilt yourself. Remember, he’s got a hard enough (so to speak) problem without having to reassure you.

Have you reassured him that you love him with or without an erection — That it’s not just about intercourse?

Roz suggests: Tell him how much pleasure you get just out of the closeness, the lovely horizontal dance with or without an erection, the way being together makes you feel closer, more connected, more loved and loving… tell him all the time, in and out of bed. Be loving in return, in ways that are non-sexual.

Do you masturbate to achieve climax when you run into challenges together?

Roz suggests: Reassure him that you like to pleasure yourself, have done so since you were (XX) years old, and can have a climax that way. It is not at all the same as lovemaking with him, but it satisfies you physically — and he satisfies you emotionally! Masturbation is not a bad thing, nor an insult. If you have trouble talking about it, consider showing him while you’re being intimate and help him help you.

Have you had conversations about using Viagra, Lavitra, and Cialis?

Roz suggests: If you choose to try them, do so playfully — after he has consulted his physician to be sure it’s safe for him.

If the ED problem is ongoing after all these considerations, have the two of you consulted an AASECT-certified sex therapist?

Roz suggests: Look online at  http://www.aasect.org/directory_usa.asp to see if there is one in your area. If not, consider using me as your coach. (You’ll find my listing there at   http://www.aasect.org/viewlisting.asp?ID=4 )

If you live in or near Dallas, call (214) 361-0500 and leave your name, number, and the best time for me to return your call. We will have that 15-minute free mini-conference to learn about your goals and see whether you would like to continue with a later appointment.

My office is very easy to get to. From Central Expressway (75) you take Exit 6 (Walnut Hill). Stay on the northbound service road to the second street, La Sierra. Turn right — I’m at 5445 La Sierra, Suite 313.

If you live elsewhere, we will still have that free mini-conference and then, if you want to, we’ll schedule ongoing appointments by telephone or email. Just fill in the blanks below.

I look forward to meeting you!

© Roz Van Meter, 2002, 2009

When I began my practice as a sex therapist in the late 70s, the S-word was just coming into vogue. I still remember the first time the Reader’s Digest had the word SEX on its cover. Woooooo! Big deal. (Compare that with Cosmo, Redbook, even the Reader’s Digest today!)

I have seen the whole arc, from “we don’t talk about it” to “every woman can.” Problem is, that got translated to “every woman MUST.”

Thus I saw Good Ol’ Boys bring their wives in for therapy because The Little Woman didn’t have orgasms through sex. “But Clyde,” the wife would say, “I LOVE sex with you. I just don’t always come through intercourse. But I’m happy with our sex life.” And the Good Ol’ Boy would say, “Well, I’ve never had any complaints before!” “But Clyde, I’m not complaining, YOU are.” A-ha. It was an ego thing with Clyde, but it became a performance anxiety for her. (If she stayed in therapy with me, she quickly learned that there was nothing wrong with her–the majority of women don’t regularly have orgasms through intercourse!)

Then there were the women who presented themselves for “therapy” because they’d read an article on multiple orgasms and felt they were deficient because they didn’t experience a Chinese firecrackers bam-bam-bam-bam string of orgasms.

What an irony. Women were experiencing the same kind of performance anxiety that men often had, thanks to locker-room lies and expectations. (The late great sex therapist Bernie Zilbergeld wrote a book about the mythology that gets laid on men. My favorite chapter title was “Two Feet Long, Hard As Steel, Goes All Night.”)

Ridiculous, right?

Of course. My message to you is, Don’t fall into that same trap! It’s not a contest. There’s not just one right way to enjoy your sensuality.

Some female orgasms bring strong, rhythmic contraction. Some are like little waves of pleasure. You might have different orgasms at different times. Sometimes you might get close but not get over, and that’s OK.

We all get distracted sometimes, or fatigued, or have fluctuating hormones. Please don’t let your inner critic start scoring you: –On a scale-of-1-10, how well did you do tonight?–

The great philosophers and theologians have told us to enjoy the trip, not be fixated on the destination. Come to think about it (no pun intended), that’s good advice not just about sexuality, but about all of life.

Your O-quotient is not up for being graded. It’s your own personal style. Play with it, try new things, but above all, enjoy it.

Warm regards from Roz

Unless otherwise attributed, all material is written and edited by Roz Van Meter, MA. All rights reserved. You may reprint any of this material if you include the above copyright notice and a link to http://SexualityCoach.com in the credits. Also please send a copy of the publication, along with a note referencing the reprint, to roz@coachroz.com. Thanks!

	Jump-start your intimacy connection with this free re-awakening gift, based on my 30 years’ experience as a relationship and sex therapist. Request my FREE six-part Intimacy Enhancement Series–delivered straight to your email inbox, with ideas for clear, effective communication and renewed sensuality. It’s a simple, safe and fun guide to putting the joy and passion back into your relationship. You’ll also be subscribed to Lovin’ Spoonfuls, a tiny semi-monthly e-zine with tips, resources, and real stories to lighten your heart and strengthen your passion. I think you’ll really enjoy it, but if you’re overwhelmed with big old e-newsletters and e-zines, you can unsubscribe at any time. I want you to get what you want, just the way you want it.
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Whatever your situation—if something isn’t working or you simply want more—I’ll help you get more light and warmth into your bedroom, deepen your love, and enhance your pleasure and intimacy.

I listen deeply, understand quickly, and connect with my clients. I’ll learn your stories, talk your language, help you fix what’s challenging you, and expand your own gifts, pleasure, and passion.

Whatever it is, let’s talk about it. I can help!

Just click “Get 15 Minutes Free” to set up your free mini-conference, or call 214.361.0500, leave your name and number, and I’ll call you back. —Roz

Celebrate your intimacy and create a joyously satisfying sex life!

• increase your pleasure, sensuality, excitement
• explore and reclaim your libido and passion
• boost your confidence and self-esteem
• reduce your stress level, including bedroom pressure
• get specific techniques for relaxation and intimacy
• learn skills for overcoming sexual dysfunction
• love your body, not be fixated on your figure or physique
• communicate what you really want and hear what your partner wants
• learn masterful techniques to heighten erotic energy
• have more fun . . . Have a lot more fun!

For more than three decades, as a licensed marriage therapist and certified sex therapist in Dallas, Texas, I have helped thousands of people understand, enjoy, and share their sexuality with mutual delight. Now I’m bringing that help to individuals and couples all across the country.

Maybe you’ve fallen into the “we’ve become like roommates” scenario or “one of us has a misplaced libido” or simply “we’re tired of the same-old-same-old.” Perhaps you have limited sexual experience, or none, and you’re apprehensive about how to begin. You may have some performance pressure, or pain. Maybe some old unresolved resentments or traumas are humming away underground, sabotaging your trust and ease.

For your sexuality to be expressed in a comfortable, safe, and exciting way, you need to learn what might be getting in the way. I’ll provide real-world help to create the kind of sexual expression you both want. It honors and strengthens your relationship, the most important ingredient for sexual satisfaction.

I believe in cultivating “No-Fault Intimacy!” You can discover reasons for sexual dissatisfaction, disinterest, even dysfunction, without assigning blame.

After we have discovered the Why of an obstacle or challenge, we can create the How that promotes sensual, intimate sex, tailored specifically to your own rhythms and relationship.

UNDER THE BLANKET

Sometimes life in all its forms—family, careers, finances, negative experiences from long ago, embarrassment, miscommunication, performance pressures— can create dissatisfactions and dysfunctions. If that is your situation, here are some of the reasons you might be seeking a relationship/sexuality coach. See which one(s) you relate to. I have experience in all of them.

• ED – erectile dysfunction (getting or maintaining) - ladies, take our ED Quiz for Women and learn how you can assist your man in coping with this
• rapid ejaculation
• arousal problems
• orgasm problems (inorgasmia)
• painful intercourse
• diminished or lost libido (sexual desire)
• frequency issues
• communication problems
• stress from finances, new baby, work
• loss of sexual attraction
• boredom, restlessness, interest elsewhere
• excessive use of porn, especially online
• loss of trust (due to deception or infidelity)
• anxiety about “the first time”
• body image issues, yours or your partner’s
• excessive masturbation
• sexual obsession/addiction

WHAT NEXT?

The navigation bars will take you to ideas and information I think you’ll enjoy. Take your time, mosey through this website, and give me feedback on what you found helpful or would like to follow up on.

by Roz Van Meter, MA, LMFT, AASECT sex therapist diplomate

• Who Turned Off Delight?

When you wee a toddler (great word!) you found delight in almost everything. Delight was turned on, glowing brightly in your wonderful, fervent little spirit. Who turned it off???

• No-Fault Sex

Find out how blaming yourself or your partner for sexual dissatisfaction is not only unfair, it’s counterproductive—and what you can both do to create a safe zone for getting what you really want.

• How’s Your O-Quotient?

Step away from all the brainwashing about orgasms being the be-all-and-end-all of sex. There are so many attractions along the journey!

• Stress-Busting: The Big Deal Scale.

Get the best tool you’ll ever have for chasing away everyday stress, pressure, and anxiety. Really!

• Redrawing Your Personal Map

You can change your course at any time… If you’re not satisfied with the direction of your life, redraw your map!

New articles added monthly (or so), check back soon!

• Reprint Terms for Articles from SexualityCoach.com

Unless otherwise attributed, all material is written and edited by Roz Van Meter, MA. Copyright © Roz Van Meter 2009. All rights reserved. You may reprint any of this material if you include the above copyright notice and a link to http://CoachRoz.com in the credits. Also please send a copy of the publication, along with a note referencing the reprint, to roz@coachroz.com. Thanks!

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